Mutha Cluckin BEANS!!!!!!!!

Did you know that beans have magical properties? They do. They take all of your bad feelings and turn them into joyful diarrhea. It’s like getting an enema performed by the divine. 

Just lovely.

Oh boy am I tired. This is gonna be one terrible drag of a time writing this recipe, so I hope you’re FUCKING HAPPY with it :(

What your stupid face is gonna need to buy from some crappy local bodega:

1.5 cups of dried black beans (or one can of cooked black beans)

1 small yellow onion

2 cloves of garlic

1 chili pepper of your choice (optional)

1 small tomato

1 avacado

1 small carrot (optional)

2 tablespoons of olive oil

1 teaspoon of cumin

1 teaspoon of cilantro

.5 teaspoons of cheyenne pepper (optional)

.5 teaspoons of black pepper (optional)

1 teaspoon of lemon juice

1 teaspoon of salt (optional)

1/8 cup of feta cheese

What to do:

Just give up and go get some take out, OR……

Measure 1.5 cups of dried black beans. Cover with water and bring to a boil. Let the water cool to a simmer and simmer for 1 hour. 
 
Drain the beans and rinse in water. 
 
Dice the garlic, onion and carrot and store for later.
 
Add the beans, garlic, onion, oil, carrot (optional), pepper (optional), 3 cups of water, and spices (optional) to a pot.
 
Bring to a boil and then slow to a simmer
 
Allow to cook for at least 60 minutes, checking and stirring from time to time. Now’s a good time to reflect on how terrible you are at everything.
 
Stir in salt and allow to cool uncovered
 
If using canned beans, skip the simmering and rinsing step. Add the beans and other ingredients to a pot and cook for 20 minutes.
 
Serve over brown rice. 
 
For garnish, add diced tomatoes, feta cheese and slices of avocado. To prevent the avocados from turning brown, drizzle about 1 teaspoon of lemon juice over them before storing in the fridge.
 
Here’s what your meal will look like assuming you haven’t completely give up on trying new things.
 
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Peace in the Middle East: How to find solace in a classic Indian Recipe of Doom

Let’s get this out of the way. You are racist. Go look in the mirror. You know what you’re looking at? What you are looking at is a bona-fide racist. Bet that explains why you had unexplained negative feelings towards that girl in your kindergarden class. You were racist even then. But the beauty of life is that you can change. You can become a better person. How, you ask, can I achieve a level of multicultural purity?

It all starts with self reflection, and by mailing a $100 dollar check to the man writing this here blog.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, it’s time to start making CHICKPEA AND ALMOND CURRY!!!!!!!!!!!

What you need:

A friendly smile – Trust me, it’ll get you where you wanna be.

1 cup of dried chickpeas – Or one can of cooked chickpeas, if you hate joy.

1/4 cup of blanched almonds – You can find these under the cushions of most abandoned furniture.

1 small yellow onion – Dig a three foot whole in the foundation of your home. Most likely, you’ll find an onion there. If not, you can always go shopping and find them neatly arranged at the grocery store.

1 small tomato – You say tomato, I say TOMALALALLALALLALALALALALALALALALALA

2 tablespoons of sunflower seed oil – Tell your neighbor to stop putting down anti-weed fertilizer because you need the precious oils from his property, then run away.

1 teaspoon of salt – As your friend to put his face in front of a fan, then throw a handful of salt through the fan. Whatever doesn’t get in his or her facial orifices is perfect for this recipe.

.5 teaspoons of black pepper – Go to your local police station and scrape the driveway with an old rusty screwdriver, or just buy some at the store. You’re call.

1 teaspoon of turmeric – Still trying to figure out what a turmeric actually is. If you find out, send me money.

1 teaspoon - I don’t know what a paprika is either, so SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!

.5 teaspoons of ground cloves – Parsley, sage, rosemarie and cloooooooovvvvveesssssss

.5 teaspoons of nutmeg – Find a local Megan and ask to scrape some off her spice bag.

.5 teaspoons of cinnamon – Reverse engineer that spicy Trident gum.

2 small yellow potatoes – About twice the size of Elton John’s bean bag.

1 cup of water – Fish poo in this, so make sure to boil first.

What to do:

Ask yourself if you are the best lover you can be. Probably not. There’s probably some things you know your partner wants. You’d be open to try it, but you’re afraid of how they’ll react.

Tonight’s the night to broaden your horizons.

Get freaky.

Feeling liberated? Okay, great! It’s time to start cooking!!!!!

First, chop the tomato, garlic, onion, potato, and almonds into small pieces.

Next, measure out your spices.

Add the sunflower seed oil to a pan and heat to medium or medium high. Add the potatoes, onions, garlic, almonds, tomato, chickpeas, and spices.

Stir for a few minutes.

Add 2 cups of water.

Cover and simmer for about 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

Remove from heat and serve over brown rice.

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Join us tomorrow for an in-depth discussion of twerking methods.

 

 

 

 

 

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A Healthy-ish Pizza Recipe Because of Shame and Guilt

Is your ass too fat? Are your arteries clogged with cheese and ham? Do your pants not fit? Does everybody hate your guts?

Time to start cooking!!!

Here’s what you’ll need:

For the Pizza Dough:

2 teaspoons of yeast – This can be found most likely under your toenails, so get trimming!

3 teaspoons of white sugar – Healthy-ISH

1.5 cups of water – So thirsty… Where did all the aqua go? Did the leprechauns take it again? Nope, it was in the sink the whole time. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

1 tablespoon (3 teaspoons) of salt – Remember that time you got broken up with and the only thing you could take was the tears that were running down your cheeks and into your mouth? Sorta like that, but it comes in box.

5 teaspoons of olive oil - Semen of the gods.

***Three teaspoons of olive oil go into the dough. The other two teaspoons are added to the bowl where the dough will rise.

4 cups of white flour – Cause I said so so there you have it.

Corn Meal – There may be a picture of a stereotypical native american man on the front.

For the topping:

1 small tomato – About the size of an old man’s prostate gland.

3 garlic cloves – Most recipes call for dinosaur rectum, but I’m taking a bold stand and calling for garlic instead.

1 small onion - WHY SO MANY LAYERS!!!!?????

1/2 zuccini – It’s like your penis after a four hour sex-a-thon, but with less puss and shame.

1/2 yellow squash – Better you squash it than it squash you!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

1/4 cup of feta cheese – If you’re really racist, you can use flannel.

1/4 cup of olive oil – Collect arm pit sweat for a few months and allow to ferment in an old toy chest.

3/4 teaspoon of salt – So salty… Throat parched… Will never see land again… OOooooo, there it is! Oh wait, that was just your fat mamma. I thought it was a continent.

3/4 cups of black pepper – Your old pet’s ashes make a poor substitute for this.

1.5 teaspoons of parsley – Gotta get those GREEEEEEEEENNNSSSSSSS!!!!!!

What to do:

Stand in front of a mirror naked. Stare at yourself harshly. What could be improved? What can’t? Will you ever succeed in live with such a poor vessel for your soul? Probably not, but that’s okay. Come to terms with who you are? You are beautiful, though if you see any odd growths you may wanna get them removed.

Get a mixing bowl.

Add the yeast and the white sugar. Pour the warm water over the mix and allow the yeast about 10 minutes to active. Here’s what it will look like.

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Then add the three teaspoons of olive oil and the salt. Gradually add flour until most of it is mixed in with the dough. You may need to finish needing the dough by hand. 

Add the rest of the olive oil (2 teaspoons) to a sealable container. Add the dough and get all sides covered with oil. Cover and allow to rise in the fridge for at least one hour. Your dough should double in size. So should your man parts, but that’s another blog post entirely.

Breath a sigh of relief. Take a walk. Have a smoke. You just did what your forefathers could not. You read an online blog. You see, the internet wasn’t invented… never mind, bad joke.

Alright, it’s time to make your Mediterranean topping mix. 

Cut your tomato in half and then slice into pieces. Be very careful cause you can hurt yourself if you don’t do this right. Here’s a picture of the kind of slices you want.

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Add the cut slices to a mixing bowl. 

Then cut the zucchini and the yellow squash in half and then slice into 1/4 inch pieces. Here’s a blurry image for reference.

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Cut a small onion in half and then chop it into pieces.

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Then slice three cloves of garlic. They don’t have to be minced.

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The cut around 1/4 of a cup of feta cheese.

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And add to mixing bowl:

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Next, add your olive oil, salt, pepper, and parsley to the mixture and mix everything around. Here’s what it looks like before it gets mixed.

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Set this aside for now. Preheat your oven to a sexy 450 degrees. Grab a baking tray. Spread your dough as far as you feel like. The dough should be malleable, like puddy. Be careful not to tear it though.

Add your toppings and bake for 15-20 minutes.

Enjoy!!!

BTW, I made a small version of this yesterday using half of the ingredients.

Here’s what it looked like:

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Don’t give me shit.

 

 

 

 

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When Life Gives You Full Juicy Lemons

Sometimes you get lemons. Other times, banana’s. Sometimes, life just doesn’t go your way. You have a couple of options. A personal favorite of mine is to summon ghosts. Good times, you learn a lot. Another thing you can do is

MAKE CHICKPEA POTATO LENTIL CURRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s what you need:

1 unit of gumption: The will to do what is necessary for all of mankind.

1 cup chickpeas: Dried or canned? Listen to your heart.

1/2 cup of red lentils: These can be found by digging three feet into any strangers backyard.

3 cloves of garlic: Cause vampires are making a big comeback this year. Go team Eric!!!!

1 teaspoon of fresh ginger: Soul-less but delicious.

1 beefsteak tomato: Sounds cooler than it is.

4 tablespoons (1/4 cup) of vegetable oil: A healthy substitute for poo grease.

2 teaspoons of salt: If it ain’t got no salt, it ain’t got no flavor. If you ain’t got no flavor, you ain’t got no bitches.

1 teaspoon of black pepper: The common kind of black pepper. Nothing fancy. Nothing you gotta stress over. So calm the fuck down before I come over there and give you a BOOOP.

2 teaspoons of turmeric: What is turmeric you ask?

3 teaspoons of garam masala: If you can’t find this at a local store, you can find a recipe online. Where online? Do a search for Tara Reid botched boob job. It’s the fourth link down.

1 teaspoon of cheyenne pepper: The leftover residue from an untreated toe infection.

2 teaspoons of dried cilantro: This cilantro is dried up, its finished, kaput.

1 normal sized yellow potato: What is normal sized? What is normal? Why is it so hard to feel accepted?

1 carrot, peeled: Just pretend your peeling off layers of sadness.

1 small chili pepper of your choosing: Go Nuts!!!

What to do:

First, you need to repair all those broken relationships. You’ve left a trail of emotional destruction in your wake. It’s time to start making amends. You’ll feel better. You’ll feel free. Now you can start cooking.

If using dried chickpeas – Cover 1 cup of dried chickpeas in 3 cups of water. Allow to sit overnight or bring to a boil and let simmer for one hour, loosely covered. You see, you don’t OWN chickpeas, so don’t behave like there your damned prisoners. Drain and rinse chickpeas in cold water. Cover the chickpeas in two inches of water and allow to simmer for one hour.

If using canned chickpeas – You’re a lazy bastard.

Create the Ginger/Onion/Garlic paste – In a blender or mortar, place the ginger, onions, and garlic and either press a button to puree OR spend a quite, reflective 10 minutes bashing these beautiful creations to oblivion with an old baseball bat in your stupid mortar, or as non-snooty people call, a “bowl”. Either way you’ll have a smooth paste when your done.

By the time your chickpeas are finished boiling, you should have all of your ingredients prepped. It’s important to prepare because you never know when society will collapse and you’ll only have a quick few minutes to get your recipe prepared before some wild vagrants set your house on fire and murder your loved ones.

Prepped? Good. Thank god, I was worried about you, cause I care about your feelings.

Pour the vegetable oil into a pan. I like to use a wok. You can also use the hood of most automobiles. Cop cars work great for this. Add the potatoes, carrot pieces, chili pepper and the spices. Here’s a picture of all of the spices in a glass.Image

Here’s what it looks like in the pan when these ingredients are mixed. From here on out I’ll use lots of pictures. I don’t expect everyone to know how to read. Reading is stupid. You know who knew how to read? Ever heard of Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, or Kim Jung Ill? All masters of written word. Think about that next time you’re bitching about how “Nobody reads anymore.”

So here’s what your mixture should look like now:

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Next, add the red lentils and your garlic/onion/ginger paste:

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And mix.

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Now the tomatoes:

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And the chickpeas:

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Now, add 1 and a half cups of water. Just plain old water. Nothing fancy. You don’t have to go to any snooty downtown restaurants and steal there mineral water. Just relax. Take a deep breath. There’s really no need to get so worked up about this.

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Cover and allow to cook on medium low for about 90 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the cover and cook another 20 minutes, stirring every few minutes.

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If you had a terrible time making this recipe, I advise you to cut off all your personal relationships. Break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Get a divorce. Tell your parents you don’t wanna spend time with them because they’re gross and call up all of your best friends and say you’re spending too much time together.

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Happy Eating!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Dish for Lovers: Havarti Dill Mac n’ Cheese

Full Disclaimer: After eating this meal and having a few beers, I suddenly felt ill and threw up in the toilet. I am currently sprawled out in bed with a stomach ache, and haven’t even had a drink of water even though I’ve been up for a couple of hours. My darling wife, however, is perfectly fine. This can be attributed to two factors. One, I’m lactose intolerant and she isn’t. Two, I’m fairly sensitive to oily foods, and this dish isn’t exactly diet friendly. Come to terms? Okay, here we go.

What you’ll need:

1/4 unsalted butter

1/4 cup flour

1 teaspoon of salt

1 teaspoon of pepper

.25 pounds of havarti dill cheese

2 cups of whole milk

What to do:

Melt butter in a saucepan. Slowly add in the flour 1 tablespoons at a time. There are 4 tablespoons in 1/4 cup of flour, so you’ll need four tablespoons of flour. The mixture should look like a paste. Immediately add 2 cups of milk. Keep the heat on medium or medium low. Add the salt, pepper, and cheese. Stir until creamy. Add the pasta of your choice and stir. 

Your done. 

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What to do when times get tough, like really tough: Make Cinnamon Raison Swirl Bread

Sometimes things don’t go your way. You don’t know why. Sometimes, you don’t even understand the machinations that put you in your current position, rendering you in a state of impotence. 

You have two options. One, kill yourself, cause life is too long and time doesn’t tick fast enough. Two, call your local sex hotline and ask them for directions to Orlando, Florida. Three:

MAKE CINNAMON RAISON SWIRL BREAD!!!!

Now, a little disclaimer. I made this recipe and it produced WAY too much bread, so I’m going to attempt to adjust the proportions to make it a little more reasonable.

Come to terms with that information? Good. Here we GO!!!!

What you’ll need:

Yeast – You can find this anywhere on your body that gets uncomfortable and moist… Or just buy some at the store

White Sugar – If it ain’t white, it ain’t right!

Light Brown Sugar – Cause, you know, affirmative action, and cause it’s filled with molasses

Salt – A passover tradition come to life! Salty like the tears of slaves and kids where weren’t tall enough to ride on Space Mountain. FUCKING SAFETY REGULATIONS!!!!!

Hot Water – Let your tap get hot, or yell at cold water till your seething rage turns the water to boiling temperature. Seriously, like sorta hot is good. Doesn’t need to be boiling. Probably shouldn’t be boiling. DON’T BOIL THE FUCKING WATER!!!!!

Vegetable Oil – Find any penis shaped vegetable and SQUEEEEEEEZZZZZZZEEEEE

A Large Egg – It’s like eating an aborted chicken fetus. TASTES TO GOOOOOOODDDD NOW!!!!

Cinnamon – Scrape some off your best mahogany furniture.

White Flour – Say this while screaming in an African American neighborhood and see where you’re life takes you.

Black raisins – Deer drop these in your backyard. They’re easy to collect.

WHAT TO DO:

First, you need to come to terms with who you are inside. Take a walk. Think about who you are, what you want out of life, and where you think you fit in the grand scheme of human history. Feeling insignificant? Well, bummer.

Okay, time to start baking.

Start by mixing 1 teaspoons of yeast with 3 teaspoons of white sugar in a mixing bowl. Add 1 cup of hot water. Feeling overwhelmed? This may be a good time cry in the corner, cause you’re gonna need to give the yeast time to activate. Anywhere between 5 to 10 minutes should be fine. It’s ready when it looks foamy and smells a little like cheap beer. Next, add 1.5 teaspoons of vegetable oil into the mix, and crack the egg with your forehead, letting the sweet juice drip into the mix.

Now, I realized when I began this blog post that I didn’t include salt in my recipe when I wrote it down yesterday, which sucks, because I probably added salt. I JUST DON’T REMEMBER!!. So, for this recipe, I’m gonna say add 1 teaspoon of salt. If I make it again and think that more or less salt is needed, I’ll send a message gorilla to your home to let you know and smash your things.

Now, add .5 teaspoons of vanilla extract. 

Wow, so I also realized that I forgot to write down how much flour to use. Wow. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I remember how much. Add 2.5 cups GRADUALLY and don’t complain if it gets all fucked up.

And I also didn’t write down how much raisins to use. What was wrong with me yesterday? Anyway, I remember that too. Use .75 cups of raisins and don’t say I never gave you any life advise.

Next, you’ll need to create your swirl mixture. In a separate container, mix 2 teaspoons of brown sugar and 2 teaspoons of cinnamon. Seeing as your dough mixture should be almost done, add the brown sugar and cinnamon gradually into the mixture, folding after each time to add a little. Don’t kneed too much, or the brown sugar cinnamon mixture with be totally integrated into the dough, and you won’t get that SWIRLY GOODNESS.

Add 1.5 teaspoons of vegetable oil into a baking pan. Add your dough and get the outside all OILY. Insert generic sex joke. WRITING! Cover the dough with plastic wrap and let rise one hour. Preheat the oven to 350. Bake for 50 minutes. Now, disclaimer: Do check on your loaf from time to time.

 

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Cure for the Blues: Apricot Cinnamon Jam

So you’re lonely. I get it. You look at your SO (remember what that means?) and you think “Does this person really understand me? And if they knew who I really am inside, how long will they stick around?” Your life is an empty wash of shattered expectations and broken promises to yourself. So how do you cope?

BY MAKING APRICOT CINNAMON JAM!!!!!!!

Before:

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After:

 

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So lets get started. Here’s what you need.

8 Apricots – Pick your own, or steal them from the infirmed

3/4 cup of white sugar – Cause racist sugar tastes really good

3/4 cup of water – Water you waiting for!? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Squirt of lemon juice – Find a lemon, or some lemon juice, or find a friend who’s made of lemons and … you know.

Maybe a little more sugar – I’ll get to that so hold your horses. Even the really pretty ones.

Cinnamon Sticks – You know, they’re made of cinnamon. They look like sticks. Okay, here’s a picture. Just lovely.

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Grab a sauce pan. You know the kind, the kind that makes sauces. A sauté pan actually works better, come to think of it. Add the sugar and water. Turn heat to medium-low. Cut the apricots in quarters. Add to pan. Add a squirt of lemon juice. Now add three cinnamon sticks. Allow to simmer for a while, checking occasionally and stiring. The best kind of spoon to use to stir is also the best kind to beat kids. A WOODEN SPOON! Eventually, most of the apricots will break down and be absorbed. Feel free to smash down gently on any remaining pieces. Stir. If your jam is too tart, feel free to add some more sugar, just don’t add to much or you’ll really just be throwing your dentist all your money. Add maybe another 1/4 cup of sugar if desired. Stir.

Your done. Turn the heat off and allow to cool. Store in a mason jar.

Oh yeah, and remove the cinnamon sticks and feel free to feed them to your cat. 

Here’s what it’ll look like when finished.

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