Sometimes you get lemons. Other times, banana’s. Sometimes, life just doesn’t go your way. You have a couple of options. A personal favorite of mine is to summon ghosts. Good times, you learn a lot. Another thing you can do is
MAKE CHICKPEA POTATO LENTIL CURRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s what you need:
1 unit of gumption: The will to do what is necessary for all of mankind.
1 cup chickpeas: Dried or canned? Listen to your heart.
1/2 cup of red lentils: These can be found by digging three feet into any strangers backyard.
3 cloves of garlic: Cause vampires are making a big comeback this year. Go team Eric!!!!
1 teaspoon of fresh ginger: Soul-less but delicious.
1 beefsteak tomato: Sounds cooler than it is.
4 tablespoons (1/4 cup) of vegetable oil: A healthy substitute for poo grease.
2 teaspoons of salt: If it ain’t got no salt, it ain’t got no flavor. If you ain’t got no flavor, you ain’t got no bitches.
1 teaspoon of black pepper: The common kind of black pepper. Nothing fancy. Nothing you gotta stress over. So calm the fuck down before I come over there and give you a BOOOP.
2 teaspoons of turmeric: What is turmeric you ask?
3 teaspoons of garam masala: If you can’t find this at a local store, you can find a recipe online. Where online? Do a search for Tara Reid botched boob job. It’s the fourth link down.
1 teaspoon of cheyenne pepper: The leftover residue from an untreated toe infection.
2 teaspoons of dried cilantro: This cilantro is dried up, its finished, kaput.
1 normal sized yellow potato: What is normal sized? What is normal? Why is it so hard to feel accepted?
1 carrot, peeled: Just pretend your peeling off layers of sadness.
1 small chili pepper of your choosing: Go Nuts!!!
What to do:
First, you need to repair all those broken relationships. You’ve left a trail of emotional destruction in your wake. It’s time to start making amends. You’ll feel better. You’ll feel free. Now you can start cooking.
If using dried chickpeas – Cover 1 cup of dried chickpeas in 3 cups of water. Allow to sit overnight or bring to a boil and let simmer for one hour, loosely covered. You see, you don’t OWN chickpeas, so don’t behave like there your damned prisoners. Drain and rinse chickpeas in cold water. Cover the chickpeas in two inches of water and allow to simmer for one hour.
If using canned chickpeas – You’re a lazy bastard.
Create the Ginger/Onion/Garlic paste – In a blender or mortar, place the ginger, onions, and garlic and either press a button to puree OR spend a quite, reflective 10 minutes bashing these beautiful creations to oblivion with an old baseball bat in your stupid mortar, or as non-snooty people call, a “bowl”. Either way you’ll have a smooth paste when your done.
By the time your chickpeas are finished boiling, you should have all of your ingredients prepped. It’s important to prepare because you never know when society will collapse and you’ll only have a quick few minutes to get your recipe prepared before some wild vagrants set your house on fire and murder your loved ones.
Prepped? Good. Thank god, I was worried about you, cause I care about your feelings.
Pour the vegetable oil into a pan. I like to use a wok. You can also use the hood of most automobiles. Cop cars work great for this. Add the potatoes, carrot pieces, chili pepper and the spices. Here’s a picture of all of the spices in a glass.
Here’s what it looks like in the pan when these ingredients are mixed. From here on out I’ll use lots of pictures. I don’t expect everyone to know how to read. Reading is stupid. You know who knew how to read? Ever heard of Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, or Kim Jung Ill? All masters of written word. Think about that next time you’re bitching about how “Nobody reads anymore.”
So here’s what your mixture should look like now:
Next, add the red lentils and your garlic/onion/ginger paste:
Now the tomatoes:
And the chickpeas:
Now, add 1 and a half cups of water. Just plain old water. Nothing fancy. You don’t have to go to any snooty downtown restaurants and steal there mineral water. Just relax. Take a deep breath. There’s really no need to get so worked up about this.
Cover and allow to cook on medium low for about 90 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove the cover and cook another 20 minutes, stirring every few minutes.
If you had a terrible time making this recipe, I advise you to cut off all your personal relationships. Break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Get a divorce. Tell your parents you don’t wanna spend time with them because they’re gross and call up all of your best friends and say you’re spending too much time together.